FREE AT LAST - Nick    

Hi Robin,

From the first time I masturbated until I had my first
sexual encounter at the age of 17 I had no idea that I was
abnormal in any way. From about age 13 I had regularly
masturbated by rubbing myself against my bedclothes,
grasped between my legs so as to prevent strain being
applied to my foreskin and probably to avoid having to look
at my penis as I did it. The pain that I experienced if I
pulled too hard on my foreskin during masturbation was
entirely natural to me and as I believed, an unfortunate
part of life that all men had to endure. I had no idea that
all of my pain was completely unnecessary had a simple
check been made when I was an infant identifying the need
for a routine operation.

Age 17. Having been aware that I was different to most men
since about age 13, it is ironic that at that stage I had
no idea exactly how different I was. I refer not to my
medical condition but to the realisation that I in fact was
attracted to men and not women leaving me with the
exceptionally difficult task of coming to terms with my
sexuality. Coming to terms with my medical condition was
not an issue until that time, since until that time I was
unaware of any abnormality. I suppose my body reacted to my
predicament and adapted to my condition, hence why I
masturbated differently to my peers.

Just before my 18th birthday I met a guy on the Internet.
We became really close and after chatting for a few weeks
we decided to meet, that meeting resulted in my first
sexual encounter. As we sat on the sofa at his house he
gradually began to undo my trousers and feel my penis.
Before long he had my penis out and began rubbing his hand
up and down the shaft teasing the foreskin backwards and
forwards. A huge erection resulted at the incredibly
sensual nature of the experience. As he began to further
gather momentum in his actions I began to feel pain as it
placed pressure around the tip of my foreskin, which was
beginning to inflame and change to a red colour under the
strain. He asked me how it felt and I believe my words to
be, ‘more painful than pleasurable actually’. To think of
that now I cannot begin to imagine how inadequate he must
have felt from my words. I then asked him to move my
foreskin in a forward’s direction rather than to pull my
foreskin backwards. He soon got the hang of my preferred
method and the remainder of the experience was highly
pleasurable. My experience with the guy was the beginning
of a three and a half year relationship which was shrouded
with misery and confusion, largely fuelled by my condition.

A factor which probably delayed any definite action to
identify with my condition was that my partner was
circumcised and since he had never had a sexual encounter
with another male, he was not aware of the function of a
foreskin and recognising problems associated with the
foreskin. Had he been uncircumcised then I doubt treatment
of my condition would have been so prolonged. The pain that
I experienced during my first encounter with him was only
made worse when I tried participating in penetrative
intercourse with him and even when we attempted oral sex.
It quickly became apparent that my sexual abilities were
for some reason restricted because of an unknown physical
condition. Realising what that condition actually was and
building up the courage to confront the problem and seek
professional advice took the entire length of that
relationship and indeed destroyed any chance of the
relationship being successful. More worryingly my physical
condition, unbeknown to me was having an adverse
psychological effect, dramatically altering my behaviour,
described at times by some, ‘like a dog unable to brake
free from a lead’. My sexuality was repressed and by means
of getting back at the world for causing me so much pain I
became a nightmare to be around.

The breakdown of my relationship proved to be one of the
fundamental stepping-stones to solving my problems. I
entered into a short relationship with a guy who was
uncircumcised with a freely retracting foreskin. That was
the first time I had ever seen how a foreskin was supposed
to work and the encounter opened my eyes to the severity of
my condition. Consequently that relationship failed,
probably due to my physical and psychological state, which
realistically made anyone who was willing to be in my
company eligible for a bravery award.

As with any problem, an individual cannot begin to work
towards a solution until they have positively identified
that a problem exists. Realising or coming to terms with a
problem of that type is an exceptionally difficult thing to
do. Sexual relations and areas associated are known to be
particularly sensitive, especially for men given the
emphasis society places on the links between sexuality and
masculinity. Dealing with my sexuality at the same time as
my medical condition further magnified the effects on my
general state of health. That combined with the usual
pressures applied to young people like succeeding
academically and the breakdown of my first long-term
relationship brought me to very near a nervous breakdown.

It is frustrating to consider that all of my problems as a
young adult in the prime of my life were because of
ignorance and lack of education within my family to simply
check my penis as I developed towards puberty. I expect the
fact that my father was circumcised and equally as naive to
the problems associated with the foreskin contributed to
the overall problem. In turn as my father was my mothers
first boyfriend, she had never had an experience with an
uncircumcised man and was also not aware of the importance
of personal hygiene and regular checking of the foreskin.
It is difficult to assert blame on my parents since their
actions were entirely as a result of circumstances, which
were coincidental and unfortunate, but it is difficult to
feel no anger towards the medical profession for not
emphasising the importance of simple checks on infants as
they develop. It is clear that neither of my parents were
given the appropriate advice at the time of my birth to
prevent such complications.

Age 21. Awaiting my appointment in my doctor’s waiting room
where I will at last have the opportunity to discuss the
problems I have with someone other than my next-door
neighbours cat. It is difficult to put into words the
anxiety that I went through prior to making the
appointment; needless to say I had many a sleepless night
worrying about the prospect of admitting to some stranger
with a fancy title that I was inadequate as a man. I hear
my name called out over the speaker in the waiting room as
I peruse a very dated copy of Women’s Own magazine selected
from the small pile of reading material for the benefit of
patients waiting. ‘Nicholas S......, room 1 please’, oh
gosh, that’s me. My stomach turned inside out at the
prospect of coming clean about my problems combined with my
embarrassment about showing my genetalia to a complete
stranger. ‘And how can I help you Nicholas?’, said the
doctor. ‘Errrr well, where do I start?’, I replied. The
next 3 minutes felt like 3 weeks.

It was a relief to leave the surgery in one piece having
coped very well with the humiliation once the adrenalin had
slowed its release and I had time to reflect on the reality
of the situation. I scuttled off home with a small grin
across my face, revelling in the knowledge that at last I
had done it, I had got an appointment with a hospital
Consultant Urologist, whatever that was. For the next few
weeks I anxiously awaited confirmation of my hospital
appointment like a child awaiting the arrival of Santa
Claus on Christmas Eve. Suddenly I had a new outlook on the
situation since I could see a time in the not too distant
future where my problems would be resolved. I had a
brighter future to look forward to and all that was between
me and the start of the journey to that future was a piece
of paper landing on my doormat.

Two months later and long after I had lost impetus for my
new outlook on life, I find a letter addressed to me from
the hospital confirming my appointment in another three
months time. ‘Three months, three months, didn’t I make it
clear to the doctor how urgent it was that I get my
condition resolved?’ It would appear that the National
Health Service (NHS) is not geared to consider individual
needs but rather it has a ‘system’ which processes your
request for treatment, rather like an insurance company
processes a claim for an accident write-off. Never the
less, at least it was an appointment and I was further on
than I had been for years, something to look forward to in
the New Year given that my appointment was in January.

January 10th at my local hospital. I remember it being a
freezing cold morning and frost covered the ground as I
crossed the pay and display car park to enter the ageing
hospital reception area. Wielding my appointment card I
announced my purpose for being there and was told to sit
patiently in the purple waiting area. After searching past
Green, Red, Amber, Pink and a whole host of other coloured
waiting rooms, I eventually locate the purple waiting room
which strangely reminded me of the waiting room I had
inhabited at my local Doctor’s surgery some five months
ago. Although still very anxious I was not on this occasion
quite as terrified about the appointment as I was at the
previous appointment, although I know now that I should
have been.

After a 30-minute wait beyond my appointment time I am
ushered into a small booth and asked to remove my trousers
and underwear. In walked a coloured man who introduced
himself so quickly that I couldn’t have said if he was my
consultant or a hospital cleaner who wanted to empty the
waste bin in the booth. His interest in my genetalia lead
me to believe he was the former although his bed side
manner was probably much less respectable than that of the
hospital cleaning staff. He yanked my foreskin back causing
me to yelp in pain after which without apology he said,
‘all I can suggest for that is circumcision, it will be
about a 3 to 6 months wait and will take between 4 and 6
weeks to heal, we’ll write to you’. Before I could ask any
questions or further discuss my condition he had
disappeared out of the door leaving his nurse assistant to
justify his actions as the result of a busy Monday morning
schedule. I remember muttering to myself as I left the
booth, ‘welcome to the NHS’.

I had learnt from my local doctor that he suspected I had a
condition that I previously had not heard of called
‘Phimosis’ although my consultant failed to confirm that in
my brief encounter with him. Further research on the
Internet allowed me to understand more about my condition
and I was at last in possession of the knowledge that would
have eased things a long time ago. It was apparent that the
opening of my foreskin was too tight to retract over the
gland of the penis either when flaccid or erect and the
condition was present in its most severe form commonly
labelled ‘Pinhole Phimosis’. Although I became aware that a
full circumcision might not be the only course of action, I
had somehow come to hate my foreskin altogether since not
long after my hospital appointment I got a urinary
infection which persisted for weeks, presumably caused by a
build up of smegma underneath my foreskin, an area which I
had never been able to wash. Circumcision was the option
for me I had decided and I eagerly awaited my operation
confirmation.

June arrived and still no appointment date for my
circumcision, time for a summer holiday I thought to ease
my worry about the pending operation. Mauritius seemed just
the job and so I packed my bags and flew to the paradise
island for a fortnight last minute holiday. A week into my
holiday and I got a call from my mother, apparently my
appointment for my operation has arrived, ‘horrahhh!!’.
‘When is it Mum?’, I replied. ‘Monday’ she said. ‘Monday?,
but today’s Friday and I don’t get back until a week on
Monday’. ‘That’s what it says son’, replied my mother. I
returned to my sunbed and cold glass of Malibu and Coke
with a sunken feeling in my stomach like someone had
drilled a hole through it. How dare they give me 3 days
notice to go into hospital for an operation, is that
allowed I wondered.

On my return to the UK I was disgusted with the NHS and the
way I had been treated and I’d had enough. By this time I
had moved house and was living some distance from my
original doctors and the hospital I was due to have my
operation in. I joined a new doctors surgery and made an
appointment, this time with a different approach, if the
NHS weren’t going to help me, then I’ll help myself. I
asked my new doctor to refer me to a private Consultant
Urologist, which she did without delay recognising the
urgency of my condition and the fact that I was willing to
pay money for the consultant’s time.

Two weeks later and I arrived at the local private hospital
for an £80 private consultation. No Pay and display car
park, free coffee, appointments on-time and a most
delightful consultant who talked me through my condition
and the procedure to correct it (circumcision) like he had
all the time in the world. It served to allay all of my
fears, especially about having only a local anaesthetic
that turned out to be a myth, indeed I was to have a full
general aesthetic. He said that he could fit me in around
about 4 weeks time and we shook hands to that effect. Four
weeks arrived very quickly and before I knew it at the ripe
old age of 22, I was being shown to my private hospital
room with T.V, radio & en-suite facilities, now I knew why
the procedure was costing £2000 although worth every penny
if it is successful.

I remember feeling really drowsy as I came round from the
aesthetic wondering where I was and why I was there. It
didn’t take me long to pluck up the courage to lift my gown
and take a peek at the handy work of my new mate the
Consultant Urologist. ‘Wow’ I remember saying as I peeked
at the swollen, slightly bruised but altogether foreskin-
less penis before my eyes. It seemed weird seeing for the
first time the exposed head of my penis. I couldn’t resist
touching it, ‘ouchhh!’. The gland was so sensitive it felt
like nothing I had felt before but I knew from my
consultant that the sensitivity would reduce with time, I
remember thinking, it’s a good job. It turned out that not
only did I have pinhole phimosis but the operation revealed
that I also had Frenulum Breve.

I have been nursing my newly circumcised penis for two
weeks now and it is healing nicely. It was immensely
painful for the first week because I kept waking up with a
morning erection because of the sensitivity of the gland.
The erection was putting pressure on the scar line that
felt like someone stabbing my penis. Once that subsided it
feels and surprisingly looks ok. The biggest problem at the
moment is that for the first time since puberty I have been
unable to relieve myself sexually for two whole weeks. I
anticipate that within the next week or so I will be able
to have my first circumcised masturbation and that within 6
weeks or so I will at last be able to fulfil my ultimate
desire and practice uninhabited sexual intercourse, free at
last!

I hope that this account of my experience will serve to
provide other people with similar conditions advice on how
to go about getting help and support. I also hope that my
account will be collaborated into future research to
support the theory that physical conditions such as
Phimosis have the potential to cause immense psychological
damage to individuals.

Thank you.
Nick

_______________________________________________

Dear Nick

A lovely story, thanks a lot.

You seem to have understood your whole development very
well. and got through it alone - though very painfully.

I maintain many of our modern initiations are far more
bizarre than anything they invented in New Guinea

There were a couple of points I started thinking "well
theres something I could say about that" - but you worked
it all out yourself.

Pinhole phimosis doesnt hurt, I still think it must have
been a skin bridge - but your doctor seems to have
diagnosed a frenulum breve (must have been very very
short and attatched right at the front - do you have any
scars on the glans which might indicate a skin bridge
rather than frenulum? - both somehow dont explain to me
why the foreskin could be pulled forward without any pain
...? this should only be painless with a "middle length"
frenulum which still allows some movement)

your way of rubbing to masturbating was described by
Beauge, pulling the foreskin forward was described by me.

Yes, your parents are in no way to blame, its our
culture, its lots of cultures and male pride and status
in a very primitive form ,probably actually a form found
in all mammals - For our culture its the Greeks and
Romans who loved to hang their foreskins low, and made
statues to show how to do it and worship, (I speculate
probably a few Greek philosophers and Roman emperors who
had phimosis themselves, - and just as many of us do, they
thought it was normal) - and then its St. Paul who
wanted to make Christianity acceptable to the Romans
"Circumcision is of the heart" ... and so we got 10% to
20% of Europes males being sexually inhibited and
naturally only able to preach purity and develop academic
intellectual values.

Your diagnosis of the NHS is only topped by your cure - a
sense of humour. ... if Id have known -thought -and had a
chance Id have suggested a Jewish doctor. Im sure there
you dont wait and dont have to pay (at least not so
much - dont know yet how much they could cost).

Cheers
Robin

__________________________________________________

Hi Robin

Thanks for your reply to my story. I guess I do understand my development very well, at least the psychology involved anyway. I think it's one of those things in life that you have to go through to understand. Going through it alone was my chosen option since there is a tendency to think that no-one can help you, of course now I know different.

I was surprised to read your comment that, 'pinhole phimosis doesn't hurt' since I spent my entire youth fearing that it does. You have made me consider that maybe my pain was far more psychological than I had ever known. I think you tend to become so paranoid about your condition that the lines between pain and anxiety become blurred. To be honest I had not considered that I might have had frenulum breve until my surgeon diagnosed it and there are no obvious scares from a skin bridge. I guess maybe it was a medium length frenulum since I never experienced any resistance when pulling my foreskin forwards. Possibly I had imagined my pain?

But how bizarre to think that had I have been born without phimosis I may have suffered a much greater pain from the frenulum breve. Is it impossible to consider that my phimosis could have been mother nature’s way through natural genetic modification to relive me of that pain? Rather like the herd of elephants that were born without Tusks alleviating them of the risks from ivory hunters? I guess that we will never know.

All I do know is that until the taboo associated with this subject is removed, young guys like me will continue to suffer from ignorance in the future. I can only hope that some guys in the early stages of their development might read this forum and understand about their condition to a greater extent than I did in the early days of my development.

Thanks
Nick

__________________________________________________________

Hi Nick

I particularly like this bit

> All I do know is that until the taboo associated with this subject is removed, young guys like me will continue to suffer from ignorance in the future.

And then all I want to answer on this at present is.

> But how bizarre to think that had I have been born without phimosis I may have suffered a much greater pain from the frenulum breve. Is it impossible to consider that my phimosis could have been mother nature's way through natural genetic modification to relive me of that pain? Rather like the heard of elephants that were born without Tusks alleviating them of the risks from ivory hunters?

You can consider that if you want to but I consider it as highly unlikely, - I remember I just couldnt find a way to understand "mother nature" for quite a few years ... A fellow called Guy Cox wrote a paper on the theme, but he thought humans were the only animals who had phimosis ... so I thought a bit more and came up with www.male-initiation.net/evolution.html -- its quite a short file - only a few paragraphs, highly hypothetical ... but this is the only way mother nature makes any sense for me .... at present .... its a good question to keep in mind.

cheers
Robin